They say that the 'firsts' are the hardest that first year when a loved one passes. Well, here we are at the holidays, the worst of the 'firsts' they say. Thankfully these holidays are at the end of this year of firsts. We have had weeks and months of firsts, but we are not really ready. There is this huge cloud ahead, we know some of what we are headed for as the holidays arrive. For Mom and Dad, it began with Mom's birthday, Thanksgiving, then the whole Christmas season that Cyndi always filled up with activities for them, finishing up with my Dad's birthday in the middle of January, right before the 1 year mark of the day they crashed their plane.

I am discovering that it is the 'lasts' that are getting to me the most. The last place we ate just before we left for Africa, the last place we had a pedicure, the last photo of us together, the last text, the last hug before we parted...it goes on...events and things that we just don't normally think about or remember as much until we face life without them.

I thought that decorating my house would not be one of those tear inducing triggers. I didn't think that setting up my tree was a 'first' to have to hurdle. So I drug in the storage bins and I was ready to decorate. But then...the first box I opened was another 'last'. The FIRST box!!! A gift she had made for me on the 'last' Christmas we had together. She made a pillow with photos of the three of us girls with Mom and Dad at past Christmases. It hit me hard. One of the hardest hits that I have had in a long time. It stopped me, like running full on into a glass patio door.  I sure didn't see it coming! Wammo! I could not stop the tears. I was in limbo, I could not begin to decorate, I could not focus on anything but that pillow, that last gift she had given me.

So I put it back into the bin. Maybe next year I can bring it out. 

Eventually, I started on the other boxes. I could not believe how many things in my decorations is a 'Cyndi' memory. None of them hit me as hard, I really do think that it was the 'last' that was what hit me. 

December started off with a little snow to set the mood.

The first week of December, we had three Christmas programs to attend. Sadly we were not there for the three programs that Gabe and Daniel had in California.

Lina had her 8th birthday. She loves pandas, so her Mom made her a panda cake. My littlest is now so grown up!

We took her birthday shopping, Arianna went along. She picked Red Robin for her birthday lunch.

My Mom and Dad bought this little cowboy suit for Johnjohn when he was newborn. I gifted it to Emily for Beau. Here are Grandpa and Beau in the suit.

Emily and Matthew brought Beau to Oregon for an early Christmas visit. 

I still can't believe that I am a Great-Grandma!

We took advantage of their visit to get a Five Generation photo. Hopefully we will have the chance to get more and more as he grows up.

As my grandkids get older and bigger, it was pretty amazing to hold the baby of my oldest grand-daughter. so amazing!!!

We knew this first Christmas without Cyndi and Dan was going to be hard. So way back at the time of the funeral, plans were made and we rented a huge house at the coast and we left town, my kids, my grandkids (minus the two oldest) and my parents. We left behind the normal traditions, the things that we knew would make this day even harder.

Weather reports said a huge ice and snow storm was headed our way. Dennis and Abby left from California a day early and Mom and Dad and John and Rachel headed out as well. They were able to beat the storm and checked into a hotel a day before the rental house was scheduled. I could not leave early because Jimmy had a gallbladder rupture and was headed into surgery. Jessi and family had to wait because Ariel had to work. We left Friday morning as previously planned. But the storm had already arrived. We waited around until the light arrived and things warmed a tiny bit, said our prayers and off we went. It was mostly sleet on the ground, so it wasn't very slippery. There were a few cars in the ditch and we were thankful that we had not tried to make a go for it in the dark the night before. Thankfully, we arrived just in time to get into the rental. 

The first night there we celebrated Abby's birthday.

The first day we made decorations to put on the tree that Cyndi&Dan's friends Sue and Steve gave us.

Grandma got busy and made us all maple bars. We inhaled them!

I gave the kids an early present. Water bead guns.

Dennis brought his favorite holiday shirt. 

(he hates cats)

The California Dixons brought a Werewolf game that everyone played and played. It looks like they are napping, but that was part of the game.

Of course we had to get some family photos!

Christmas morning, we opened the gifts.

Rachel made us two kinds of lasagna for our first dinner. Jessi was supposed to cook dinner the next night, but, Lindy gave Mom and Dad and John and Me pizza money for that night. So instead of cooking dinner, I put Jessi in charge of figuring out how much and picking it up for us.  Thanks, Lindy!! 

The last night was Christmas dinner, everyone pitched in to make it happen.

Johnjohn was in charge of the table decorations, but we all helped him, especially with our advice. They actually cut the tree apart since we were going to have to toss it out the next morning anyway. The table looked amazing!

Gabe serenaded us a few times during our stay, but the best was right after we had our Christmas dinner.

We ended our dinner with a birthday cake for Jesus.

We knew we could not escape the reality of missing Cyndi and Dan, but it was a distraction that helped pass this time that we knew would have been so painful. God blessed this time together as we celebrated the birth of Jesus and we mourned our loss together. There were tears, but there was laughter and activity and another layer of healing for us all.